Friday, December 18, 2015

A Forgotten Anniversary

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary.  His wife was not please and in fact, was a bit angry.  She told Bob, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds flat, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning, when his wife awoke, she looked out the window to find a box, a gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

She walked out to the driveway to open it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Late for the Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. 

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Seven Degrees of Blondness

FIRST DEGREE 
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE 
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE 
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE 
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE 
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.' 

SEVENTH DEGREE 
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' 

OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY. EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde ...
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Passively Agressively Trolling a Jerkish Neighbor


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Moral to the story:  If you're going to be a jerk, at least be hilarious about it.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Hooker's Union

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blond. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.  Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Couldn't Get Out of the Ticket

My wife was stopped for excessive speeding yesterday!

She thought she could talk her way out of a ticket until the officer looked at our dog in the back seat ...

Monday, June 7, 2010

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto .The poor lady was not very proficient in English,but did manage to communicate with her husband.The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store ...

What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English!