A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something." A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
Sunday, December 21, 2008
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging of f the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven' and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.'
Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground , unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven' and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'
Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator ...
Two Texas mechanical engineers, Ray & Bubba, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,' but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.
A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone . 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Do not do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother back, and we will both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife . 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back ... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did ...
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word. .. he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checkedmy seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
A redneck from Kansas decides to travel across the south to Florida to see God's country.
When he gets to Fort Myers, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!!!!
He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day!!!
They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains"
The redneck promptly answers, "That thar's a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."
The foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"that's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet."
The foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!!
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "White oak, 242 board feet at best."
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little
Ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is.
As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there?" "I want you to mark an Xx on the front of that tree!!"
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"
When bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white x on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That thar's the front," the redneck says.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz somebody took a shit behind it!"
He got the job and is now the foreman!!!!!
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied 6.
The judge then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her seeing-eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'The blind lady said, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was ! "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?!"
She said, "I'm going home too. I can"t work in the dark."
3-year-old Reece : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'
A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I wanted to stay with you guys.'
One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say ,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!'
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Boudreaux, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? . . . I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance', Clotile, is still a virgin - in every way'. The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . . . quite an impressive work of art.
Boudreaux mentions none of this to Clotile, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, Clotile rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said, 'You're the first one. No one has
EVER seen deez.'
Boudreaux immediately drops his pants and replies, . . . . 'Look at dis, ...still in da CRATE!'
One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed back seat.
"What did you do today?" I asked.
She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped. Looking into the rearview mirror I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added.
"Well, yes they do ..." I said cautiously.
Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing hanging down and they know that he's a boy ..." I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.
"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"
My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um ... well ..." I was still searching for something to say, to change the subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like boys to have those things?" Well I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that very same question at least once? "Oh, well...um..." I stammered.
She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and when girls see that they know they're boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, then the girl really knows he likes her too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."
That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. "I drew a picture," she said. "... you want to see?"
I wasn't all that sure I did, but I looked anyway. I had to sit down. There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.
She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing. I laughed until I cried. But I told her I loved it - and I did - and she got over her pique. That was the end of that ... for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation, and to be honest I haven't looked at a turkey or a man the same way since.
The fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl said.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.