Seven Degrees of Blondness

FIRST DEGREE 
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE 
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE 
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE 
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE 
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.' 

SEVENTH DEGREE 
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' 

OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY. EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde ...
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

Free Trip to Europe

A  young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.  But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor.  "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.  From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, "she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe.  Plus, he's screwing me. "

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".

The Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it..'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was ! "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?!"

She said, "I'm going home too. I can"t work in the dark."

Follow a Snow Plow

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

More Stereotypical Blonde Humor

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
-Blonde: "What's the story?"
-He: "Just crap in the carburetor"
-Blonde: "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
A blonde out for a walk comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "Hellooooo!! You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous redhead goes to the doctor's office and said her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
-Doctor said: "You're not really a redhead, are you?
-Blonde: "Well, no, I'm actually a blonde."
-Doctor: "I thought so; your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, & a Blo nde were talking one day.
-Russian: "We were the first in space!"
-American: "We were the first on the moon!"
-Blonde: "So what? We'll be the first on the sun!"
-Russian:"You can't land on the sun, you'll burn up!"
-Blonde: "We're not stupid; we're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

The Trucker and the Blonde

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.

'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?

I LOVE THIS ONE ...

She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN

Stereotypically Blonde

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

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Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?"sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest,and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting
myself in the mouth."

"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.Nothinghappened.So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

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A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which..... that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face."Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses.""I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

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A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing...I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk."What's that,' he asked?

"Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry for her says, "Why don't you go home for the day ... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.""Thanks, but I"d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of
doing that here." the boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying."What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde."I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died, too!"

Blonde in the Casino

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the Casino and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed ...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY-

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and that I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year ... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo"!! (I told him). "It's been a year!" There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up ... he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again.

710

A few days ago, I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is, click here.