The Perfect Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

P ... E ... N ... I ... S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..."
"
Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and I say, '$20 or off it comes!'"
"
OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck. Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Thought for the day...

Fact of Life:   After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says . . . . . .  W T F

Thought for the Day!

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills
In your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ..

So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money!

That's my public service announcement for the day!

Subject: Letter from Management

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

• Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
• Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
• A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
• Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
• Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Management

The Bailout Mascot

The government, today, announced that it is changing its national symbol to that of a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday ...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table and the son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The Father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts

• In her 20's, a woman's breasts are round and firm.
• In her 40's they are like pears but hang a bit.
• After 60 they are like onions."

"Onions?", the son asked.

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

Well, this infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'Willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

• In his 20's, his Willie is like an oak tree - mighty and hard.
• In his 30's to 40's, it is like a birch - flexible and reliable.
• After his 60's, it is like a Christmas Tree."

"A Christmas tree? the daughter asked.

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

And that's when the fight started ...

I rear-ended a car this morning ...

So there we were sitting in our cars alongside the road when the driver of the other car gets out and starts walking towards my car... and you know how you just get sooo-stressed out at times that certain things just seem to get funny, even when they shouldn't?

Yeah? Well, I could NOT believe it when I looked in my rear view mirror . . . . the driver of the other car was a DWARF! As he stormed toward my car I slowly got out ... and when he finally got to me he looked up with a scowl on his face and blurted loudly: "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him, smiled as I said, "Oh really? Well then, which one are you?". . . and that's when the fight started.

An actual letter to the passport office

Dear Sir:

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out bef ore being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!SHIT!

I apologize; I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*ckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. An d would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f*ckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f*ckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (f*ckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate f*cking Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST f*cking CHINA !

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock !
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

I found it!

And here you thought there was no such place ....

How may times have we been 'up there without one?'

Two Trees and a Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

Black Hurricanes

This on is not exactly politically correct, but it's funny:

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo' ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo' crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo' yo' FREE shit!