Country foks look at things a little different...

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No,sir, he ain't," the boy replied.

"He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

Front of the Tree

A redneck from Kansas decides to travel across the south to Florida to see God's country.

When he gets to Fort Myers, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!!!!

He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day!!!

They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains"

The redneck promptly answers, "That thar's a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."

The foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

"that's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet."

The foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!!

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "And what about that one?"

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "White oak, 242 board feet at best."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little

Ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is.

As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there?" "I want you to mark an Xx on the front of that tree!!"

The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"

When bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white x on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That thar's the front," the redneck says.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz somebody took a shit behind it!"

He got the job and is now the foreman!!!!!

The Elevator

Redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, 2 silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'Paw, what's that?'

The father (having never seen an elevator before) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life. I ain't got no idear what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: "Boy, go git cha Momma!"

Hillbilly Birth Control

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1' ...... '2' ...... '3' ...... '4' ...... '5' ......

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Oklahoma,Ohio, Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, North Carolina, and Texas.

Never Choke in a Restaurant

Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue; her eyes widen and she shakes her head no. The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.

Newlywed Rednecks

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape."

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles" The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

Gas and Sex

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."