Hooker's Union

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blond. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.  Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Chinese Sick Leave

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ... You got nice house!'

The Vibrator

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the devil are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

Can't Go to Starbucks Any More

A woman of advancing age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?', asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her success.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh my, it was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!

'Really? What happened?', asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely.

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped my clothes to ta! tters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the experience your husband was now able to provide wasn't good?'

'NO, it was the best we've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show me face in that Starbucks again!'

One-Liners

• "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet" .... Robin Williams'
• "You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Yeah ... me neither" ... Steve Martin
• "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand" ... Woody Allen
• "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night" ... Rodney Dangerfield
• "Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope" ... George Burns
• "Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships" ... Sharon Stone
• "My girlfriend always laughs during sex --- no mater what she's reading" ... Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
• "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch" ... Jack Nicholson
• "Clinton lied! A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is" ... Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady ... and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
• "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself" ... Roseanne
• "Women need to have a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" ... Billy Crystal
• "According to a new survey, women say the feel more comfortable undressing in front of men that the do undressing in front of other women. They say women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful" ... Robert De Niro
• "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house" ... Rod Stewart
• "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough brood to run one at a time" ... Robin Williams

I'm Not Hungry

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something." A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Mrs. Donovan

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!'

The Vibrator

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied: "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: "What the fuck are you doing?"

The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

Wiley's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wiley married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wiley should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepared herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wiley, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wiley takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wiley. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling . When the newlyweds are done, Wiley kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wiley is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wiley gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wiley."

Wiley, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.

Application Rejection

Your application to join an online dating agency has been rejected.

One of the questions was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'

'My Dick' is not an appropriate answer!

Where do Red-Headed Babies Come From?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust".

Still a Virgin!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: He understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: All he ever did was ... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

She said, "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get SCREWED!"

Fireman Bells

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL2, I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.

"The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied,
"YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.

"Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes"

Elderly Sex

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex … He could also fly.'

Counfounded Sex

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

Quiet Sex

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'

She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

Loud Sex

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

Social Security Sex

Two men were talking. Joe asked, 'So, how's your sex life?'

'Oh, nothing special,' Sam replied. 'I'm having Social Security sex.'

'Social Security sex?' Joe was a bit perplexed.

'Yeah, you know, said Sam, 'I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thin ks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."