Flat Tires and Headlights

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights"

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights.

What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"

"No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."

"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up."

I'm The Boss

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. 

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.


Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."

Payback Time

You gotta love a good nurse. A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon ... from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

The Environmentalist

The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site. In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts.

In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife Service, Rural Fire Service, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area … I am sorry but they turned me down."