Monday, June 7, 2010

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto .The poor lady was not very proficient in English,but did manage to communicate with her husband.The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store ...

What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Free Trip to Europe

A  young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.  But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor.  "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.  From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, "she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe.  Plus, he's screwing me. "

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".

Parking Ticket

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.  Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.  We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.  We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a Nazi turd.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.  So my wife called him a sh..-head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care.  We came into town by bus and saw the car had a Sarah Palin sticker.  

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.  It's important at our age.