A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights"
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights.
What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"
"No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."
"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says "What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up."
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
The Florist and the Anniversary Card
On their second anniversary, a husband sent flowers to his wife at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2!" on the card.
She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card: "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card: "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
Pet Fish
An man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of bunk! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the man.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of bunk! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the man.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
Little Johnny Math Question
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
The Diet
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
Church Services
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
'
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
'
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Boasts
The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Following In Her Footsteps
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
Be still, my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Be still, my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Fish 'n' Chips
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there.
Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.
The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and says "then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.
The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and says "then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
I'm The Boss
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."
Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."
The Money Bag
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty-thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI agents were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The other FBI agent turns to her partner and says, "We're outta here."
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty-thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI agents were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The other FBI agent turns to her partner and says, "We're outta here."
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