Church Services

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
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One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Boasts

The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Following In Her Footsteps

On the way to preschool, a doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

Be still, my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!


Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Fish 'n' Chips

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there.


Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.


After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.


The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."


"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and says "then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

I'm The Boss

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. 

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.


Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."

The Money Bag

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI agents were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The other FBI agent turns to her partner and says, "We're outta here."

Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am?

This girl is a keeper!!!!

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain...