Trip to the Doctor

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.

'How much do you weigh?' she asks.

'115,' she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140 (I wish). The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 foot 8,' she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'. She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' she screams, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

Trip to the Fair

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ... Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW ... That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said (in capital letters), 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ... You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

Hillbilly Birth Control

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1' ...... '2' ...... '3' ...... '4' ...... '5' ......

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Oklahoma,Ohio, Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, North Carolina, and Texas.

With All My Love

Another Happy Marriage! The newlyweds were only married two weeks when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer. I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop, but at the bar ... you know ... they have frozen glasses.'

He didn't get to finish the sentence because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN; SHUT THE HELL UP; DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOUR ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER; GOT IT, JACKASS?'

And..they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE ... MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP.

Eight Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
   Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
   
   

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths " , I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
   Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
   
   
3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
   Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
   
   
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I' m running out of places to put it!' I had him q quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
   Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
   
   
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
   Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
   
   
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
   Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
   
   
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
   Submitted by RN no name
   
   AND FINALLY---
   
   
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.
   Dr. Wouldn't submit his name

Investment tips for 2008

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Good Year and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
   And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang.

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up..
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site.
That I got SO way into.
I was into it all night.<>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.