Now that the election is over, I hear that Sarah Palin is going to show there is no animosity about losing the election. She has invited both Obama and Biden on a moose hunting trip. She has already lined up Dick Cheney to teach gun safety and Ted Kennedy to drive them to their cabins after the pre-hunt party.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
How to Cook a Turkey
Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350°F. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.
And, you thought I didn't cook ...
What Size is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra, asked the clerk. Type, inquires the man, there's more than one type? Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer? Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, it is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses; the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole-hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs
{B} Barely there
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
Kiddie Comments
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'
-----------------------------
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
-----------------------------------
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.
Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
----------------------------------
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'
With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
---------------------------
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently.
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
----------------------
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him.
'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq.'
'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
-----------------------
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.
A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?'
Blank stares.
'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.'
An eight-year-old girl perked up and said, 'How long was he missing?'
Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday ...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
The Vibrator
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied: "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: "What the fuck are you doing?"
The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."
Friday, November 21, 2008
New Addition to Chemistry's Periodic Table
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons, and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Wiley's Wedding Night
At 85 years of age, Wiley married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wiley should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepared herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wiley, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wiley takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wiley. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling . When the newlyweds are done, Wiley kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wiley is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wiley gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wiley."
Wiley, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.
A Horse, a Chicken and a Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length, of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
More Stereotypical Blonde Humor
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
-Blonde: "What's the story?"
-He: "Just crap in the carburetor"
-Blonde: "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
A blonde out for a walk comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "Hellooooo!! You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous redhead goes to the doctor's office and said her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
-Doctor said: "You're not really a redhead, are you?
-Blonde: "Well, no, I'm actually a blonde."
-Doctor: "I thought so; your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, & a Blo nde were talking one day.
-Russian: "We were the first in space!"
-American: "We were the first on the moon!"
-Blonde: "So what? We'll be the first on the sun!"
-Russian:"You can't land on the sun, you'll burn up!"
-Blonde: "We're not stupid; we're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Senior Breakfast Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.
"YES!!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special then." my wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once.
Present for Teacher
Just before Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought flowers.
The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
The liquor store owner's son brought up a big heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid and tasted it.
"Is it Wine?" she asked
"No," said the little boy, "it's a puppy!"
Career Move
A young ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he clocks out of his office at about 8 P.M. he sees the Admiral standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
'Do you know how to work this thing?' the Admiral asks. 'My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it.'
'Yes, sir,' says the young ensign, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.
'Thanks,' says the Admiral, 'I just need one copy...'
Listen to the Whole Story First
Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Paul, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you shut a kid up!
Speeding Ticket
I got stopped by an officer for speeding and I thought I could talk my way out of getting a ticket ... that is until he looked at my dog in the back seat ...
A definite sign you've been driving way too fast!
One for the Girls
Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table and the son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The Father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts
- In her 20's, a woman's breasts are round and firm.
- In her 40's they are like pears but hang a bit.
- After 60 they are like onions."
"Onions?", the son asked.
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
Well, this infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'Willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
- In his 20's, his Willie is like an oak tree - mighty and hard.
- In his 30's to 40's, it is like a birch - flexible and reliable.
- After his 60's, it is like a Christmas Tree."
"A Christmas tree? the daughter asked.
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
And that's when the fight started ...
I rear-ended a car this morning ...
So there we were sitting in our cars alongside the road when the driver of the other car gets out and starts walking towards my car... and you know how you just get sooo-stressed out at times that certain things just seem to get funny, even when they shouldn't?
Yeah? Well, I could NOT believe it when I looked in my rear view mirror . . . . the driver of the other car was a DWARF! As he stormed toward my car I slowly got out ... and when he finally got to me he looked up with a scowl on his face and blurted loudly: "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him, smiled as I said, "Oh really? Well then, which one are you?". . . and that's when the fight started.
Letter to Proctor & Gamble
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horse back riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxipads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bulls#*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin
Letter to the IRS
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the " Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).
One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
An actual letter to the passport office
Dear Sir:
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out bef ore being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!SHIT!
I apologize; I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*ckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. An d would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f*ckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f*ckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (f*ckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate f*cking Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST f*cking CHINA !
Spelling's Not Important
Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
Old Lady in Hell
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
''Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
''I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
''You can't go there,' says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of."
''Maybe so," says the old lady," but I've already got the holes for that."
The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock !
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
Non-Partisan Joke
THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, it is POLITICALLY CORRECT....... and oh so timely!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......
"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No!' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes!' she replied.
Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.'
That's the last thing I remember.
The Wedding Night
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think ... I gave him my airplane glue ...
UPS Pilot Gripes vs Ground Solutions Crew
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. * And the best one for last...
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget!
I found it!
And here you thought there was no such place ....
How may times have we been 'up there without one?'
The Daily Nap
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
The Frog
A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
Burglars
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
New Store
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked ... "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well, I see you only have two left."
Seniors ... Don't mess with them.
The Closet
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
Boy: 'Dark in here.
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
Dad: 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000
Dad: 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door .
Boy: 'Dark in here.
Priest: 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'
Happy Butt?
It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.?
She replied, 'Happy Butt .'
The teacher said, 'Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out.
So she went to the principal's office and he asked, 'What's your name? And the little girl said, 'Happy Butt.'
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.? After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, 'Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.'?
Grinning from ear to ear, the girl then exclaimed, ' Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!'
Proverbs
A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds because the last one is a classic!
- Don't change horses ... Until they stop running.
- Strike while the ... Bug is close.
- It's always darkest before ... Daylight Saving Time.
- Never underestimate the power of ... Termites.
- You can lead a horse to water but ... How?
- Don't bite the hand that ... Looks dirty.
- No news is ... Impossible.
- A miss is as good as a ... Mr.
- You can't teach an old dog new ... Math
- If you lie down with dogs, you'll ... Stink in the morning.
- Love all, trust ... Me.
- The pen is mightier than the ... Pigs.
- An idle mind is ... The best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke there's ... Pollution.
- Happy the bride who ... Gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is ... Not much.
- Two's company, three's ... The Musketeers.
- Don't put off till tomorrow what ... Uou put on to go to bed.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ... You have to blow your nose.
- There are none so blind as ... Stevie Wonder.
- Children should be seen and not ... Spanked or grounded.
- If at first you don't succeed ... Get new batteries.
- You get out of something only what you ... See in the picture on the box.
- When the blind lead the blind ... Get out of the way.
- A bird in the hand is ... Going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one! - Better late than ... Pregnant.
The Turkey
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.?
He stopped and asked the boy,
'Where did you get that turkey?'?
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'?
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'?
The boy looks down and said, 'We ll, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'?
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.?
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'?
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
- May your stuffing be tasty
- May your turkey plump,
- May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump.
- May your yams be delicious
- And your pies take the prize,
- And may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!
Friday, November 7, 2008
The Elevator
Redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, 2 silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'Paw, what's that?'
The father (having never seen an elevator before) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life. I ain't got no idear what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son: "Boy, go git cha Momma!"
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Checkin' in on Ya
I was feeling a little nosey, so I thought I would look in on you and see if you are sitting at your computer ... Yup, there you are!
Have a good day?
New Office Terminology
- 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him; He's 404, man."
- ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
- BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
- CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
- CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
- CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
- FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
- IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generator running.
- MOUSE POTATO: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
- OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
- PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
- PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
- TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs.
- YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after lunch. "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
Soiled Sheets
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied:"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before the unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'-
'Did you dance much ?' she asked.
'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete , Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to ...'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)