THE WAL-MART GREETER
An unattractive, mean spirited woman barged into Walmart with her two kids. Shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she demanded of the Walmart Greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!"
"Yes, Ma'am, happy to oblige," said the Greeter. He chose a cart for her. Here you are, Ma'am. I hope this one is okay.'
"If you'd move out of the way, I could find out!" snapped the woman. "Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter said, standing aside. "You and the twins have a nice day."
The woman halted. "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike."
The greeter agreed. "No they don't, Ma'am. I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice."
WAL-MART WON'T LET ME SHOP THERE ANYMORE!
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore
WHY NOT TO TAKE YOUR HUSBAND TO WAL-MART
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists that her husband go with her to Wal-Mart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips.
He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.
Here's a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton by Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-mart:
- June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
- July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
- July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
- August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
- September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
- September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
- September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
- October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
- November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
- December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
- December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
- December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
- December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least .....
- December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-mart
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